All I Ever Wanted
by dancingknives
Summary: Dean's POV. Very angsty. How Dean feels about his relationship with Sam. Oneshot drunken babble.


I suppose in the end, we're always blinded by faith, by our own self-centered optimism. I suppose I

should've known better than to expect any different another time around. But when you came back, my

doubts vanished, wiped away by your perfect smiles and warm laughter. I thought it could be different this

time around you know? Can't blame a guy for that... I'm sitting here without you again, you're halfway across

town, and I'm sitting at your laptop, looking through your pictures. You were happy then weren't you?

Before I came along and fucked up your life again. For that, I'm truly sorry, but I can't let you go. I just, I

don't think I'm ready to face a world without you. So I'll keep this charming grin plastered across my face,

and I'll try my best not to disappoint you anymore. But, I've failed so many times already, I've lost count. Are

you psychic? Can you put my world into simple diction? Because I can't. I want to, but well, I'm not that

eloquent now am I? You're everything I'm not, and yet, you're my twin, the one person I've always been able

to trust, the one person I've always counted on. I know you don't think of me like that, I've destroyed all

chances of that. You see, I know I drove you away with my pride, my arrogance, my stupidity. I can beg for

your forgiveness a thousand times but I know you're gone for good. I can always lie around here and pretend

that everything's OK. I keep telling myself I can rise above this, above our endless trains of arguments,

litanies of blame and guilt. But can I really? Well, I wish I could. Truth is, everything about you affects me,

I've never had control over my emotions when I'm around you. What happens when I'm around you? I long

for you. I miss you so much. I see you every single minute of every single day, but you're never here with me.

You're lost in yourself, in your life, something that I'm no longer a part of. Nostalgia is what hurts the most; at

night when I can remember that, when we were younger, we were inseparable. You are everything I'm not.

Together, we're a puzzle; one-half the exact opposite complement of the other, yet similar enough to fit

perfectly together. Now the edges are rough with abuse, and the image is creased over with years of

separation. We've long since occupied two different lives, and try as I might, I can't bring us back. Do you

see me as the bad guy? Because I often do. Even when I'm hating you, for all that you're doing to hurt me,

I'm hating that I'm hating you. Ironic, no? I hate that you bring this side of me to light. This side that wants to

break you in pieces, then tenderly build you back up so you'll never leave me ever again. To you, I'm

probably nothing, just a faded memory of a time long ago. You're much happier in the present, and I can only

live in the past. I'm on the edge of your mind now; maybe I've already fallen off. You only acknowledge me

when you must. Would you be frustrated given the same treatment? I know you would. But it doesn't stop

you from doing this to me now does it? It seems everything you do is aimed at hurting me, at breaking me

down...only you have no intention of building me back up. My heart's a scar that's ever deepening with

everything you do and everything I say. I blame you and you blame me; we share the guilt back and forth and

we don't back down because we're both a pair of stubborn bastards. Who's the hypocrite here? Is it you, for

doing to me what you would hate to be done to you? Or is it me, for wanting you even as I push you harder

away? Are you selfish or am I? I know that we can't ever have a normal happy go-lucky life. But I wish that at

least we could be civil. Do you think we're civil? Because I'll tell you right now we're far from it. We cringe in

the other's company, have you noticed? Or is anything related to me completely beneath your attention? We

spend our time blaming each other for the same things, and bring in new material whenever we get our hands

on it. Look at this, you're turning me into a sentimental freak, great, just great, just what I needed. I hate your

selfishness, and in your mind, you probably see that hate as further example of my own self-centered nature.

Why do I think you're selfish? Because you've always ever minded your own life. You've never given a damn

about how everything you do tortures me beyond belief. Sure you can tell me that you're a dense kid, but I

know better, I know you're smart when you put you're mind into it. We're supposed to be twins remember?

So how can you possibly tell me that you don't know how my logic works? I get that you want to leave me, I

know it's improbable for me to expect you to stay with me forever. But I don't ever want to lose you. You're

an integral part of my life, but is that a responsibility you're willing to accept? I doubt it; you see, even as I see

you every single day, you're already lost to me. Have I mentioned how much I miss you? How much I just

want to hug you and say I'm sorry, that I'm an idiot? But my pride won't let me do that because I don't want

you're perfectly clean. This, this that I'm feeling, this that haunts my every moment, this is still your doing. It's

the result of your inability to empathize with me and meet me halfway. I want you to want me in your life. So I

thought if we spent time together, just us, you'd pick up on that. Well, this road trip has thus far been an

absolute failure, yet another testament to my inability to do anything right. Live your own life, just don't cut

me out. Coming from me, that's hypocritical I know. After all, I tried to distance myself from you. But you

know why I did that, I did that because I was tired of you hurting me all the time. And now I don't know what

I want. I'm royally screwed. If we ever do patch things up, I know you'll still do things that'll hurt me beyond

belief. But then again, can I live without any form of contact with you? Judging by experience so far, I doubt

it. So I'd like to say that I'd rather live with the former; no matter how much you hurt me, I guess I'll always

know that you at least love me right? Well, at this moment in time, can I even be sure at that? Do you even

know how much I love you? Doubtable, considering we're always at each other's throats. You say that love

to you is a strong word, it's a word full of deep sentiment and significancee, so then you'll only say 'I love

you' when you truly mean it. Would you say it to your own brother? Could you? Because I know I can. What

do you want me to do? What do I do again to gain your trust, or have I never had it? Can you stop regarding

me with paranoia? Can you stop shuddering, out of fear or spite I've yet to figure out, when I just touch you?

I trust you, I always have. Even when you were leaving, even after you left, even after you said you'd continue

to leave, I'll still always trust you. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to stop being the pain in the

ass I am? Do you want me to support you? Do you want me to stop picking and blaming you for every little

thing? I can do that. But in return, can you assure me that you'll do the same? Can you assure me that, no

matter what happens in our lives, we'll always be there for each other? We're brothers, you and I. But we're

further apart than sword enemies. So what say you? Can you assure me that you'll always keep me close?

Can you trust me as much as I trust you? Will you ask me for help? Will you share your world with me? Will

you tell me you love me? Maybe if so, then I can finally embrace you and tell you how much I've missed you,

how much I love you.


End file.
